What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
16.06.2025 09:37
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
What would you do if you found out that someone had broken into your home while you were sleeping?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Why do people stay in cults after they have joined?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
What made you recently say to yourself, “Wait. Really?”
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
It was going to be , some day.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Ive learnt so much.
And i lived it daily.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Is it true that Jehovah's witnesses once thought the world would end in 1975?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So, i spoilt her more .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was 9 years of age.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Why is my crush beautiful to me but not to others?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
What did i know ?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We all went to grammer schools
My life is so biszare .
Was to survive, this bastard.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I have no regrets .
I write beautiful poetry .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was scared of men, in general
I think the readers, may guess!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My family never makes their pension either.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She married twice! .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
When she asked me how she looked .
I was very sick at this time too.
Im still living with it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I waited trembling.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
All the time i was locked up.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Put me off passion for life!!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One cannot live in the past .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
So whats the point in blame.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
This is soul school!.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Would this be the day?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Who then, do I blame.?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She loved him until the end.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She wouldn,t have been !
Comes on , in middle age.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I don,t even have a pension.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He knew the spot.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But it wasn’t much.
She found it foreign!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She was in good health!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We were not on the streets..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I will be 64.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He resisted the act ,that day.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was seconnd youngest,
I never cut or harmed myself..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I said to her
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But, we were locked up after school.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.